Worlds Worst Witness
by MyBlondieBear
Summary: A vampire killls 57 people and theres one witness. Buffy has to find out who the killer is, but the witness is Miss Swan from Mad TV. Need I say more?


This was the biggest vampire massacre that Buffy had ever seen. And she's seen a lot. 57.… fifty-seven total deaths. Fifty seven human deaths. That was the worst part of being a Slayer. When the Slayer doesn't make it in time and there is casualties. 

Life and Death. Deaths just another stage in life. Buffy told herself trying to make it better. Everyone dies.

It happened on a street called Madison Ave. Every person on the block was killed. All except one.

"I need to know about the attacks yesterday." Buffy said, "I'm a reporter." She lied.

"Oh, I clooooosed." Miss Swan said pointing to the closed sign. She said clooooosed in a very deep voice.

"I know your closed, but this was the only-." Buffy begged.

"No, clooooosed." Miss Swan corrected.

"Clooooosed." Buffy said.

"See, open," She said open in a high voice, "Clooooosed." As she said this she switched the sign with the words.

"Please ma'am?" Asked Buffy.

"What do you want?" Miss Swan opened the door and let Buffy some in.

"I want to know how the murderer looked." Buffy said.

" He look like a man." Miss Swan said. She was a short, Kuvarian woman with a bobbed haircut. She was wearing a very unattractive outfit that had many bright, unmatching colors. She owned on of the stores called Gorgeous Pretty Beauty Nail Salon.

"So it was a man?" Buffy asked.

"Yes, like a man." Miss Swan smiled

"Like a man, or is a man?" Buffy asked.

"He look like, you know." Miss Swan shrugged.

"Like a man." Buffy finished her answer.

"Yes, like a man." Miss Swan nodded.

"Can you explain his facial features?" Buffy motioned towards her face.

"Yes his face had features, all of them do, toot toot." Miss Swan laughed.

"….. What color were his eyes?" Buffy asked hoping that Miss Swan might answer right.

(Swan)  
_Come on Miss Swan, his eyes were like the Ocean. I could just drown in him. But they were evil looking, full of hatred and fire and sadness. But then they changed to yellow. And the sadness disappeared. Now it was fury._

"His eyes were like a -." Miss Swan started to say, but Buffy interrupted her.

"Mans eyes?" She asked.

"Yes."

"Excuse me for a sec, I have to call someone." Buffy said, she stepped right in front of the Gorgeous Pretty Beauty Nail Salon door and called Giles.

"Yes, go call." Miss Swan went over to the nail polish table and started to organize it.

"Giles, there's something wrong with her, she wont tell me anything." Buffy said trying not to yell.

"Find something out. We need to catch this vampire." Giles told her.

"Fine, Giles." Buffy said annoyed.

"Bye." She said.

"Bye." Giles said as he hung up.

"You no call." Miss Swan said.

"Yes, I call." Buffy said. Miss swan opened the front door and called out.

"Someone, Someone."

"Not that kind of call. Call on the phone." Buffy pointed to her cell, "Do you have anything else to tell me?"

"Yes yes." Miss Swan said.

"…. Then tell me." Buffy said waiting for an answer.

"Yes." Miss Swan repeated.

"Can you please tell me anything else about this man? Like how he acted or his hair." Buffy said.

"He had hair." Miss Swan said. Buffy hit her forehead with a big force and she immediately got a headache.

"Was it long or short?" She asked.

"Like a mans hair."

"Short?" Buffy asked. That was the first piece of information she got besides 'he looks like a man'.

"Yes, yes."

"What color was it?"

(Swan)  
_Come on Miss Swan, his hair was bleached blonde, and under the moonlight it looked like a halo. He had it gelled back. Like a man. No miss Swann. don't say it, please don't say it, no don't say that it…._

"Hair like butter."

"Butter?" Buffy thought.

"You know."

"Butter? Oily?"

"Like a man." Miss Swam said.

"Oily like a man." Buffy asked.

"Like yours." She said.

"Mine." Buffy asked, she was started to get very mad at Miss Swan and by every word she was getting even madder.

"Like butter."

"Blonde?" She asked.

"Yes."

"Did he say him name?"

"Tent."

"Tent? That was him name?"

"Like tent."

"I need you to think. What did he say him name was?" Buffy asked. Miss Swan pursed her lips together and thought.

His name was Spike, Oh, I wonder how he got that name….. Toot Toot Toot.

"He had a name like a man, like a special man."

"What do you mean special man?"

"You know, like the 'oh baby baby' man." Miss Swan said in a breathy voice.

"Child?" Buffy asked._ Tommy, Cody, Baby names……._

"Like 'oh, again, please' name." She said again in the same way as before.

"Pimp?" Buffy asked.

"'Oh, come on' man name." She screamed.

"Porn?" Buffy asked.

"Yes."

"A porn name?"

"Yes." Miss Swan smiled.

"Like Luke Thighcrawler?"

"Toot Toot, no like Tent." She laughed.

"Never mind. I give up." Buffy said as she turned and left the Gorgeous Pretty Beauty Nail Salon. Then as soon as Buffy was all the way down the street the back door opened.

"'Ello, luv." Spike said as he walked up behind Miss Swan.

"Hello Spike." She laughed back.

"How 'bout we go for a bit of rough and tumble?"

"Sure Spikey." She said back to him. She turned and pushed him into a room in the back and shut the door.

"You definitely look like a man."

Thirty minutes later:

Buffy stormed into Giles house and over to his fridge.

"What did you find out, Buffy?" Giles asked, he watched as Buffy grabbed a bottle of Vodka.

"He look like a man." She said as she downed a whole bunch of alcohol.


End file.
